living in the moment?

Nope.

I have a confession.

I'm living for tomorrow.

The present is slipping by with rare notice and little expectation of beauty. Everything is so simply complex. This strange balance of developing and prodding my dreams while living and participating in this very minute of life, and having an appreciative realization of where I've come from, is difficult. I have the "I'd rather be..." syndrome. It is strange though how I don't feel utterly discontent, just feel like I'm ready to escape this "greener on our side" grass. I feel very blessed to have the job I have right out of school. It really could turn into a great career if I were interested in climbing the ladder in the corporate video field (especially since they just got the go ahead for the new studio space to be built and finished by February, which also includes all new equipment), which would only be the case if I were in dire need of supporting an income inhaling, consumeristic family unit, which I am thankful I don't have yet. For now...

"Get me out of here on dove wings;
I want some peace and quiet
I want a walk in the country
I want a cabin in the woods
I'm desperate for a change
from rage and stormy weather."
psalm 55:4-8 (the message)

In context of this passage, David is of course tired of running from people trying to kill him...however, these words rung true for my incomparably pathetic situation as well.

Rage indeed.

As I was riding through the cookie-cutter neighborhood of suburbia-land, trying to navigate my way to the highway to get to work, I suddenly realized I had left my sunglasses inside... My eyes feel like they have huge holes scorched through them and my forehead and brow muscles ache from the downward anger scowl I held for 40 minutes attempting to shade my vision. It was fine at first, but really started to irritate me. Then I began to notice my clutch getting looser...gotta get that fixed soon. Upon arrival at work, my grim facial slant was stuck. I realize my silliness now, but in the moment of fury, I feel so justified. I don't like yelling explicatives in general and especially not while wearing a dome over my head that amplifies and reverberates my export of sound.

I get to stare at the sun on the way home too. Yay!

I'm over it.

Last night was the first Bible study with my pals Andrew, Isaac and Greg. We're reading through Daniel, and even after the first couple of chapters we really took a good lesson from him, seeking God and God's faithful response. He is who he is and is able to interpret King Neb's dream because of God, and Daniel fully and humbly gives Him credit.

"he reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what is in the darkness,
and the light dwells with him."
(Daniel 2:22, ESV)

I had a realization in the word "dwell." As a metaphor, if we dwell with light (the things that dwell with God), we too will dwell with God. But, if we dwell with darkness, we are eluded by our own spirits that we are unseen, yet He know what is in the darkness.

It was great to spend time with some guys in similar situations. We have that common bond of not knowing what is next in life. The painful ambiguity that so many honest early twenties feel. Our joy was multiplied by an ice cream run, in which my lucky, pre-sun-scorched eyes caught the glimmer of hope for ice cream as we know it... Peanut Butter and Jelly ice cream.

Divine.

Tonight I'll put a chopped up banana in it, after Into the Wild that is.

Fletcher and I are going to see Into the Wild, which will only fan the flame of urgency...that this life was meant for something more. The reason we're going...I kept blabbing about this movie to my co-workers down in the basement/office and Darian showed me that three radio stations were giving out passes for the movie if you registered online. We both submitted our e-raffle ticket to all three stations during our "lunch" break and thought nothing more of it, until a few days later (monday) when Darian gets off his cell phone:

"Guess who just won two tickets to Into the Wild!"

I gave him an excitedly jealous high-five and moved back to my desk to mourn.

(20 minutes later)

"Guess who just won another pass for two to Into the Wild!"

"you jerk!" I said jokingly while truly being amazed at his luck/blessedness. I was indeed happy for he and the three friends he would take. Seriously I was. The next day he tossed, onto my desk, one of the passes for two as he walked into work... Such a nice guy that "Evil Darian" (nick name from long ago).

My aim today...live now and focus on the positive things of this life gift.
Phil 4:8